The Magic Diet

Yesterday while looking for references to the ketogenic diet in treating epilepsy, I was charmed to see this on Epilepsy Action’s page about ketogenic diets for children:

Children as young as four have been taught to say, “No thank you, I’m on a magic diet”.

The Magic Diet – I like it.  I’m going to use it.  It sounds so much less clinical than “low-carb” and far less controversial than “Atkins.”

Diet Tricks That Didn’t Work For Me

I’m not talking about diets, here – low-carb vs. low-fat vs. low-calorie, in all their variations.  I’m talking about all those little tricks that don’t have much to do with what you consume, but other little associated tricks that are supposed to aid in weight loss.  I’m not saying these fail for everyone, but they certainly didn’t help me.  I’d be interested in learning what didn’t work for my readers.

1. Eat several small meals a day.  This didn’t work for me because it meant that I was always obsessed with my next meal.  Plus, because the meals were small, I’d be ravenous if I had to skip one for some reason.  How do people who claim to do this actually manage it?  I found dropping everything 6 times a day to eat to be a huge pain the a$$.  Our world is built around the “Three Squares” concept; it’s very troublesome trying to schedule in those extra 3 meals.  Give me three normal-sized meals a day, or, as my husband and I often do on the weekends, two normal-sized meals and a snack, and I’m good.
2. Drink a lot of water.  This advice comes in two forms – drink 8 glasses of water a day, or drink 1/2 oz. for each pound of your current weight.  This mostly just overfilled my stomach and aggravated my acid reflux, not to mention making me that unpopular person on any road trip who has to stop once an hour.  Now I drink when I’m thirsty.  I probably drink a liter to a liter and a half of water a day, more in warm weather.
3. No food is a forbidden food.  That’s supposed to be psychologically healthy somehow, the idea that we ought to be able to occasionally indulge in whatever we want.  But the truth is, 98% of what’s in the center aisles of the grocery store is overpriced, overmanufactured, addictive crap.  (Exceptions:  canned tuna, sardines, olive oil, vinegar.)  I’m not sure how it’s good for my mental health to allow myself to think of this crap as food, much less food that I should be allowed to eat.  So in a way,  this diet trick is right on – these foods are not forbidden foods, because they are not foods!
4. Exercise first thing in the morning to rev up your metabolism.  Whenever you hear the phrase “rev up your metabolism,” substitute “increase your appetite.”  I was never hungrier than when I was trying to hit the gym before work every day.  This may work for some people, but I am not one of them.
5. Join a support group.  This is not a commentary on all groups, but the internet group I joined was not really that helpful.  I liked everyone in the group and enjoyed their conversation, but their notion of support seemed to be, “It’s OK that you strayed from your diet; you’re only human.”  Dude, I don’t need a support group to rationalize for me; I am perfectly capable of rationalizing on my own.  What I need from a support group is a good swift kick in my fat a$$.
6. UPDATE, later on 10/26.  Fit in extra walks throughout the day.  You’ve probably heard this advice – park your car at the far end of the parking lot and walk.  Park your car several blocks from your office and walk.  Take the long way back to your desk from the bathroom.  I was thinking of this walking back from the public library after lunch today.  I have never owned a car.  The closest I’ve ever lived to a transit stop was 3 blocks; and most of the time it’s been more like 1/2 mile.  If walking a few extra minutes here and there were the magic guarantee to slimness forever, I should never have gained 60+ pounds in the first place.  (Of course, I do grant that it’s possible I’d be even fatter if I owned a car.)

So what do you say, readers?  What diet tricks didn’t work for you?